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If
By Mindless Self Indulgence
Mark David Chapman
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I have become
Exactly... what I wanted
To be...
A liar
A fiend
No... something more pure
The one who would speak honestly
But cannot
For this world will not let him
Alas...
The years have passed
like seconds
And so I have matured
Become somewhat like old paper
Wrinkled and absurd
The text forgotten
The words foreign
My name illusion
My being alien
And yet...
When the time passes like a drop
Of rain
In my teary eyes
I look up seeing something new
I look up finding you
The one who knows me as I was
The kid who grew as a child does
And saw me, missing my old life
I've become exactly as I wanted
Yet how I never knew
How much I wanted you
Puffing on that cigarette
That wipes away the tears
I saw you dancing, coming my way
What became of all those years?
I... seem to have disappeared some time ago? I've changed so much, but I think I'm still the same. The years passed, I went into job corps, and now I'm in college. I've returned to find my old playgrounds... the same they were before I left, not a scratch upon my memories...
To say I feel like crying would be a lie, though. A tear does not come to mind, while I read old comments, old blogs... No, I feel nostalgic, but not overtaken. How I've grown... how I've grown...
Is this really how I used to be? Am I still the same or am I different? Feels... so much like a bit of both..
Hello, Xangaians, I have returned, I suppose...
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| I have learned to regret
Only what I cannot forget
Whilst almost grasping Freedom
Bondaged is boredom
Can I not do what I want?
Struggle with a Government that haunts?
Lost to myself or to my law?
Constitution advancing every flaw?
What happened to my Bill of Rights?
What happened to those Dreamless nights?
Nights of fun
When days were done.
I shall speak free
I shall be me
I shall not fear my own mind
As they poke through what they find
My voice is my life
And I have the five
And if I abuse my freedom...
Trial and Error and boredom...
Shall at least try to save me
Am I really free?
Government, oh Goverment,
Why is there a dent?
"Constitution"
"Amendment"
Impose yourself to fear my rights
Still, what happened to the fun nights?
I have several friends whom I would trust with my life. I am genuinely sure they know who they are, and if they don't, I'll let them figure it out. Among these friends... one whom I've never truely known by appearance, by voice, by the meeting of eyes... is most trusted. I think he knows my core more than any human being on this planet, and coming to know him, I have realized I am naive.
My english skills are as refined as I need them, I'd suppose. My mathematical skills are something I cherish, but the more I talk to people, the more I absorb what they know and realize how little I know. I once considered time as a very... subjective thing that focuses on two statures. One, if you enjoy what you're doing, and two, your temporal mental state. If you're drunk, time will fly. If you're asleep, time will fly by. If you're bored.... time is an eternal stream that you wish would just drop off into ending.
But then... I realized... Time is merely based on one thing, in a sense. I was talking to the friend whom I consider my best... and we were talking about the mind. Simply put, he likes to use psychics in RPing... and one of these particular psychics mind processes information very fast, eventually resulting in a long ass comma (that I cannot remember the duration of at the moment), because his brain could not take the load. During the times this character was used... I could care less about that, but then I came into a convo with my good friend... about time and perception. Basically put... if you process information quick enough, with the free time your brain has, time should move that much slower for you... not because time is moving any slower, but because you've processed so much more than anyone else.
Now, I know humanity has been seeking Immortality for centuries, but rather than prolong life, I assume we could merely amp up the ammount of information our brains can handle and take in at once to, instead of increasing lifespan, making each moment in life more efficiently handled. . .
Now, back to my Naiveness... The paragraph above (but not the one before that, btw) is entirely my theory, so my friend has very little to do with it except giving me mere information. My Naiveness, on the other hand, comes from the fact that yesterday I watched the End of Evangelion, for the first time. Most people say it'll blow your mind, ect, ect. Either I was over it or under it, but my mind was not blown. After spending the night trying to come up with a reason to be blown away by it, I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I truly don't understand are the motives, and that's it. The rest is meaningless or I understand it. Meaningless, to me, usually just means I was either too stupid to get it, or didn't care about getting it.
Sadly, I don't want to spoil The End of Evangelion for anyone, so if anyone wants to talk to me about it, IM me @ Zixaphir on AIM, jinira[.a.t.]hotmail[.d.o.t.]com on MSN, or Zixaphir@jabber.org on Jabber, cause Open Source is awesome.
About my Naiveness, though... I think one thing I have is comprehension. You tell me something, and if I don't get it I'll identify what I don't get and ask for explanation, but usually I'll get it. I think I am good at comprehending.. and I wish that at the time spent between 1st through 5th grade that instead of building the basics of math so well with me, they would have instead have rushed through it and got me directly to Algebra. I do not know why, but I think I, and any Human Being on the planet, could handle it unless they have a mental problem. Honestly, I think school systems should have a dedicated placement test taken at Kindergarden, throughout the whole year, to test comprehension and place people in the type of environment they'd learn as fast as they could as efficiently as possible.
Last thing... My naiveness, in truth, is mostly social naiveness. I know nothing of cars, I know nothing of how things work. I know nothing of WHY things work. And I know no reason why nobody else knows what makes our world tick.
They say that our heart beats when an electric shock goes through it. Tell me why it does. Tell me why Electricity can make a gear spin. Tell me why an atom is attracted to other atoms that are compatible with it. Tell me why science continues to try to disprove religion when it cannot even prove itself.
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| Today I lost myself again
Threw my self away again
Lost it all for nothing again
To dream a dream I want again
I've said I know not
I've said I'd let rot
I said that I'd not cry
But still I ask why?
Same line as the last
Same flow as the past
Black on White
Eyes on Sight
Anger erupts
through pain and of cuts
lost feelings inside
and why do I bide?
After much diliberation, I wrote a crappy poem and posted here. Today has been a bad day for me. From the moment I woke up, to about an hour ago, I've felt like shit. I dunno, either its stress or its my mind getting angry with me, but either way today was a bad day.
I got up this morning with a slight headache that I almost didn't realize I had. I got on my computer, checked my downloads, and then went along with my buisness, being generally angry all day with anyone who looked at me. Then... I drank Mountain Dew. Usually, that makes me feel great, but I felt like crap at this point. I then went and played a game of Gunbound with my bros friend, and he bought me an item (cause I'm a 1 year old n00b), and then we played a few more games. Then my little brother came on, and I played a few more games. It was fun, but for some reason, I sucked worse than I've ever sucked before. I don't think I fired one good shot, except a finishing blow where I FINALLY got my shot right (I hate Kels, now...), when I did... 700+ Damage (HP is around 1100), but my enemy only had about 140 left... so it didn't feel good, but my bro praised me. Then, from there out, I sucked, then my computer froze, so I drove my fist into my keyboard. (Its spacebar, twice, "tapped" on me when I needed to do a far shot. And here my bro wonders why I drag-shot...)
So, yeah, from then on, I've just been venting. My lil' bro is pissed at me for being an ass, I'm pissed at him for not being supportive, and now I'm feeling a bit better.
Did I mention I was going to take con-current college classes, but I accidentally forgot my Concurrent Enrollment for and missed enrollment?
Yeah, there's my day. I think for once... I've actually blogged right.
My mom is considering taking me and my friend to a movie, cause she has a $50 gift card she'll never use otherwise. At least I'm a nice enough guy to be able to still go to the movies with my family. Dinner is a possibility.
And... last but not least, I love Dream Theater. The dark essence of The Glass Prison is lovely, and I think I'm starting to actually like the Lyrics.
Well, I'm out.
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| Alright... I lied. I'm sorry about that, but I'm not gonna feed anyone excuses. I should have had a blog up, I had promised it, and I'd promised it'd be better than my last one. But no excuses, I didn't get one up and my word has been damaged. I apologise for that.
Now, today I have no poem. That's mostly because I'm not feeling anything right now. Its 2006, and I'm glad to say goodbye to the cruddy year that was 2005. For one, this year is a year all gamers that live in it, like myself, will remember. It is the year that the gaming "Next Gen" truly starts. Sure, Microsoft launched their 360 in 2005, but generally it was a little... underprepared, with most people who wanted 360s still waiting on the next shipment because of Microsoft's rushing to just get their system to market. Chip Shortages, lack of killer app, lack of many games at all. Microsoft had a very bad launch.
But now its 2006. Sony will be releasing their PS3, Nintendo their "Revolution", and Microsoft should be getting on track. All three of these systems are on different levels. Sony is pioneering its Cell Processor like its... godly (Hah! I doubt it. New Processor Architecture, no one knows how to program for it AT ALL. Development Costs will. . . be hell until people start knowing how to take advantage of it.). Microsoft is throwing out as many technologies alreading in place as it can to insure its Computer Entertainment System satisfies the "Computer" part of that statement, and Nintendo is... doing something no one expected.
Anybody who knows me knows I hate Sony, and Microsoft less-so, but I still dislike them. Sure, I use Windows, but I haven't gone to XP yet, purely by choice. If I want a beautiful OS, I'll go Linux. At least it can be beautiful AND efficient with Memory at the same time, with several GUIs for different levels of memory usage. And Sony is still sitting there like asses and telling everyone to buy their shit just cause its their shit. That's not a good reason for me. I won't be bought by either of these systems until a Killer App comes out that I like.
And I doubt that will happen for the mere fact that 2005's Killer App for me was Animal Crossing: Wild World.
This years Killer App already is set in stone for me. Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. This game is a GCN (Gamecube) Game, technically making it "Last Gen" game, but if I know marketing at all (which I don't), it, with the "Revolution's" backward compatibility and Zelda's basically confirmed "On the Revolution, you get enhanced Gameplay", will be marketed as a Revolution game that can play on the Gamecube to help kick off the Revolution without leaving the people behind whom were promised that Twilight Princess was a GCN game.
Is this a smart move? Probably not, but at least it won't piss as many people off as it would if they said "Oh, Zelda GCN is now a Revo game".
And at that, I think I've expressed my feelings of 2006's gaming scene. This may also be the year I graduate Highschool and live out on my own. I am... worried about that. I do not know if I am capable of living out on my own, but I suppose the best way to find out is to go all out about it. Fun, eh?
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| I want to rip and tear at my flesh
Let all the pain and shame mesh
Kill all I know to stop the sound
Watch their blood fall all around
I hate you
All of you
Why can't you let me be
let me see
let my own pain be my key
Shut me up
Let me die
I don't want to be the one that cries
I hate you all
I hate humanity
Kill me if you want
to retain your sanity!
Humans, bid you adew
If you can't stop me
then I'll stop you
Tear the planet apart
For resources you think
You can't all share
Homeostasis can you not bare?
Share the world
Stop the wars
Do you like the forming sores?
The scars on your skin
Belong there for you
Its the results of all the things that you do
I YELL AT YOU NOW
DO WHAT YOU CAN
SAVE YOURSELVES THE PAIN
YOU DON'T NEED THIS SHAME!
Please, humanity
Run away
I... do not know where this poem came from. It has no... no order what so ever. It rhymes occassionally, but not for any reason... It feels like talking. Hell, it scares me... but I give it to you. O.o
IN OTHER NEWS...!
I got a Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Tifa "Action Figure" (Doll). I haven't opened it, and I don't plan to. I might save it for a few years, then sell it on eBay if it becomes worth something, but maybe not. Also, I bought Onimusha 3: Demon Seige (PS2), new, for $14.99US. I once rented it, and beat it, but I loved it so much I had to buy it. This reminds me of another game I played long ago called "Battlefield 1942". I know it has a sequal now, but when I played the original, I sucked at it, but I loved it, played it all night, and still sucked at it, but still loved it. My friend told me... I have true appriciation for good games after that. To be sucking at a game, and still love every moment of it. That made me feel good.
I'm starting to feel like I'm not a gamer anymore. Its kinda scaring me. I don't EVER play games anymore, save for my Nintendo DS, which I play on road trips and when I have NOTHING to do. I miss my games, but I love my PC, which I chat with people on and administrate websites, so now that I'm not playing games, I feel... absent, distanced from them. I'm hoping by the time the Nintendo Revolution comes out, I can fix that. If not, I hope it brings me back into the gaming scene. If not... I don't know. I feel... as if I've betrayed something that I was raised on.
So... bye for now, I'll have a new blog tomorrow, PROMISE. And it'll be better than this one.
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